Wordless

I never thought I would have this feeling inside me like once before. It’s a feeling that haunts me, that makes it difficult to think it even exists. A feeling that takes over your whole body, your throat, your stomache, your hands, your feet, your heart.

I tried to eat a six inch sub yesterday, but couldn’t manage to complete it. My mouth would move and the food would go down, but it struggled as my throat forgot its functions and stomache didn’t really want it. Sometimes life goes by and you may forget to remember, or forget to forget. There are things in my life that I never want to forget and never want to remember. Life has so much meaning behind it, and what amazes me is how independent you want your life to be, yet it merely seems impossible when what you love the most wasn’t just someone close to you, it is a part of you, just as real as your fingers attached to your hands and your skin to your body. My body is rejecting a lot of things right now (mainly food), it doesn’t want need anything right now, anything, but one thing.

I try to keep strong, I try to keep moving, seconds turn to minutes to hours, but each elapsing moment seems four times longer than the last. It’s amazing how you try to talk to yourself, try to keep yourself awake, alive, and strong. But it’s hard, it’s hard because I’m only as strong as my heart and that, that heart of mine, isn’t too strong right now.

What is it to love? What is love? Defining such answers to questions like this is something I thought I knew for a long time, but until recently, the words behind the definition has become clear. So clear I can grasp the inner thought, the feeling, everything behind the definition that makes me who I am, that makes me do what I do, that makes me need, that makes me love. I love her in countless ways, ways that could take an eternity to write, to share, or say. But time is what you make it. It’s something that you have no control of, or have any say on how it moves. The only thing you can do is live by the past tense and plan in the pretense, in units of time. I love and hate time at the same time. Time has given me the strength to grow with some one, that time has given me memories that no one could take from me, memories that will put a smile on my face the day I lay to rest. I love memories, I love thinking about days with her, just her and I, alone. I love the way her body feels against mine when we lay there for hours, I love the aroma of her hair in my nostrils. I could lay there forever, with my eyes closed, arms held tightly around her abdomenal with her nudging her head into my face, her hair in my face, and the distinct, unforgettable smell that fills my nose with warmth, depth, and love. My nostrils love her hair the same why my heart loves hers.

The web of my fingers are addicted. It’s an addiction so bad my fingers know about it, my hands know about, they’ve shared it’s addiction to my whole body. The web of my fingers are addicted to the way her hair flows through them. From the roots of her scalp to the end of each strand of hair as they slip through my fingers and brush against the palm of my hand. An addiction that makes it too difficult not to move my hand back into her hair and repeat the feeling all over again. I love it.

Who are we? As humans? As one? It’s amazing for anyone, especially a block like me to form words into sentences that communicate a meaning, that can be interpreted by so many others, whether or not they feel the expressions and thoughts behind each word. This is human, a breed that is so advanced and superior to anything else on the planet that it sometimes scares me. My brain has more thoughts and emotions going through it in one seconds that I’m sure a dog or cat would have in a life time (no offense to anyone’s dogs or cats). And to think of how many thoughts exist in just one hour, one day, one year, a lifetime just makes my brain ponder even further knowing that I am one of nearly six billion humans that exist, six billions brains processing over six billion thoughts every second. That’s a lot of thought for one second of time. A second of time that passes by so fast you forget the details of that one second. I haven’t forgot details. There are so many memories that I can relive in my head in vivid detail, vivid down to the very second. I thought I knew who I was, I always thought I knew. And boy am I wrong. I never knew who I was, I thought I was independent, one, but I now realize that I’m only one piece of a two piece puzzle. Most people would think a two piece puzzle would only take a second to complete. But this puzzle has taken years, and it still hasn’t been put together correctly. My mother says I’ve been building puzzles since I was months old. I love puzzles, but nothing compared to this one. Think about this, the easiest puzzle to possibly create would be two pieces, because one piece wouldn’t be a puzzle, it would already be complete. Yet the very moment I’m presented with assumably an easy two piece puzzle is by far the hardest one to assemble. What amazes me even more is that the day, the hour, the minute, the second the two piece puzzle is put together, will be a memory that I’ll be able to hold onto down to each vivid detail of that very second. Because I know that at that very moment it won’t be a puzzle anymore, it will be one.

Words, these are something not to be taken lightly. It’s amazing how fast I’ve written all those words above, and how much meaning and other words explain each and every word written. How, given the right context, each words meaning is deep in definition and meaning. Some times I’ve said words that have harmed, words that have put hurt and cold thoughts in her head. Cold, harmful, and mean thoughts I never wish I could have thought. I’ve fucked up in dialog from time to time, I know. I think we all have, that’s what makes us humans. But the bitter realization behind it all is knowing that, even though I said those words, I didn’t put meaning behind them, yet she may have not known that. I hate that. I love her too much to make her feel the words that came out of my mouth. Shame on me. I just want her to know that the words that have poured out of my mouth faster that than each rain drop over Niagara falls wasn’t meant to be said. An apology is too light of a response to my realization. Instead, I want to her know that, as I continue to grow as a person, how I’ve learned from mistakes, and how much I want to make those words up to her, with new words, words that express the truth. I’m definitely going to choose my words more carefully.

I don’t know if she knows how much she completes me. I don’t think she knows how much I complete her. Influences are obstacles. Sometimes they’re obstacles we love to tackle, things that are true and real, and make you a better person. On the other side influences can be dangerous, leading you down a path of wrong. But knowing what your influences are and what are the right and the wrong are sometimes impossible to see. Being who you are is acting upon and not acting upon the right influences. I think the moment she finds out what influences are effecting who she is, is the moment she’ll realize why she’s with me and why we love each other so much. I know she has influenced my life in so many ways, that I don’t think I’ve ever thanked her for. Thank you.

Happiness. How does one define? I’m sure a lot of people put up a facade of happiness, making the judgement of a book by it’s cover. Sometimes I don’t think I’m happy, why do I even question this? Maybe because I don’t know what happiness is. It’s not a matter of whether I’m happy or not, its how often I’m happy, and I realize that I’m more happy than not, which easily out weighs that hardships. When I look at her, I know I’ve see her in her happiest moments. I know, it’s to genuine not to be the truth, no grand illusion. I’ve also seen what makes her upset and what agitates her. I know sometimes I’ve made her upset, something I’m not proud of, but like I said a little earlier we all do these things to each other at one time or another, just something that makes us human. When my brain goes through the never ending photo book of memories with her, I know what makes her happy, I know so much that makes her happy. These things I’ve tried (and will continue) to do for her time again. I’m not sure she has realized yet how happy I want her to be. The infinite moments that I can think of just at the moment these words are being written tells me how happy she is with me, remembering memories with me, making memories with me and looking into the future to make more memories. She may not be happy at this point in her life, I now see this and I want to be there for her to make her life easier and happier. I want to help provide and find her solutions to her problems and obstacles she faces in life. I feel like her life is as much as mine as I am to hers. I know, from the depths of my heart and soul, that this is more than invitation for her to live a long happy life, but something that I would love to help provide for her. I am her happiness, maybe she just hasn’t realize it, thats fine because it wasn’t until now that I realize how much she is mine.

Within the last twenty-four hours after talking with her, I’ve learned so much about who I am and who I want to be. I know my insecurities and I know what will extinguish them. I want her to know that I’m here for her perpetually and I know that I’m the “one” for her. Because she is the “one” for me. She is Natalie Marie Hunwick, born July 8th, ’85. A brown eyed beauty who struggled with discrepancies in her heart that has been mended when she was very young. Her heart is stronger than any one else I know, its a beautiful diamond and I am honored and priveleged to have been loved by heart of such. She’s a beautiful dancer and lives for it. She’s a very smart girl who knows her niches, her history, her music, and who I am. She’s a strong and fulfilling woman that stands her ground and stands for what she believes in. I respect that. I know just looking at her face, her brown eyes, perfect nose, amazing amazing! lips, and beautiful long hair that she is the one I long to wed. When I look back on my life and my childhood, I would have never dreamed in a millions years to meet a girl like her, I didn’t even know girls like her exist. I can’t believe she let me put my head in her lap. She’s everything.

I hope that when she clears her head and brings her feet to stability that she’ll realize that I’m not only the one she’s longed for, but the one that would do anything to make her happy and anything to keep her safe from harm. I love her too much not to. If that isn’t love than I need a new word in the dictionary, a new word whose only definition is “Anthony & Natalie” and everyone would know what that means. It’s only a matter of time she’ll see. Only time.

I’ll wait for her forever, even when each passing second feels like hours. I’ll wait.

I love her.