Ok where do I start……….I’ve been laying here for the past hour or so with more than I can handle running through my head. From school to my future to love, there’s so much I want, so much I don’t have, and so much that is expected of me. Well first off I was thinking about what I wanna be and where I wanna be say 5 years from now (not far at all) and when I think about it I have ambitions, but there’s no certain that they will be fulfilled or exactly if I may lead down a path I’m not expecting. Like ok I love the web design and stuff like that and pursuing a career in it? Maybe? But what’s holding me back from the dedication to that? Well my education at Kettering that is. And its $25,000 a year it cost me to attend that school. Am I doing the right thing? Cuz ya know isn’t that what yur suppose to do after high school? College right? Well that’s where I am, and see I know of the creditials and what it means to get a degree from Kettering, and pricely that’s why I’m there. But see what if I should be doing something right now such as pursuing my business more, and one day will I be able to make a living off of it? I haven’t the darndess clue. And see it’s like everyone is like “Oh Anthony your such a smart and bright student your going to go far in life, I just know it”, but really how would they? OK a may know a few things but what says I”ll be successful? I could just be the average Joe in the cubicle working 9-5 everyday from here on out on a $50,000 salary. Yeah granted it, it would be nice to become the successful one and have all the luxuries, and I’m taking it as it goes, trying to keep myself focused and orientated, I know it’s not going to be easy, but I really hope to pull through. And fuck see then I think about the bills I already have and the difficulties and struggles I go through right now in paying them off. And then I get a bill in the mail from my bank from insufficent funds do to someone not cashing a check I wrote like 4 months ago, that really messed me up, so there goes $99.50 to that. With school yeah education is the way to go, but is it really for everyone? If ya look all the famous people are successful and what education, now I’m not saying all famous people, but I could say most. Oh and it’s like things never end. I’m trying to get a loan again for my school and oh is that a joke like anything would be any harder. Grr I know I have a lot of complaining and things going through my head right now so if you’d rather not read any further I understand. So yeah schools just putting me further and further in debt and when I graduate what makes it so certain that I will make the money I need to pay something off like that, can’t rely on the stats of the grads from that school even though they are very exceptional. With work thats just nuts too, problems and projects never stop for me. From setting up new users on the network to changing ports and network locations, managing system failures and hardware issues, answering phone calls and other technical issues, distributing new sales letters, and all at the same time publish, design and create a newsletter. I can’t do it all. I’m running all over the place doing this and that. I’m only one, sometimes I feel like people expect more out of me than I can offer and never seem to be able to tell someone no I won’t help you or no I can’t do that. I want to be there for people, and as hard as it maybe sometimes I try my best. And then when I get home from my long hours of work I don’t want to do nothing but peruse around the internet when I should be designing websites for my business or doing my bills and balancing my check book. Stuff never ends, grr. Thats one of the things I love about the weekend, I don’t have much of a care in the world and just try to enjoy myself, even though at the same time through all this I wish I had someone, someone special who’d see me as their close friend, their confidant, their love. Like when I heard that my friend from high school, Jenny, was engaged at the same time I was very happy for her and yet jealous. I know there is a lot of fish in the sea, but I wish I woulda reeled in the right one. I want someone next to me someone I can confide in and look at with never ending love. When will that happen. I guess at times like these where I sit here by myself with no one, no one at all I feel lonely. And at times like these I wish I could hold/be hold by someone with so much love that we can just lay there and fall asleep smiling because we make each other so happy. I dunno when anything like that will happen soon, but we’ll see. But now all I can think about is work, upcoming school, my future, what will I be? where? with who? am I making the right decisions? am I worrying to much? I dunno, if I am then ok, but I can’t just let things slide or just let them be, I don’t want to slip and make a mistake I’ll regret, I’ve yet to really regret anything I’ve ever done, and I’m proud to say that. I love love and the feelings it puts on me. There’s so many people out there and I’m sure deep down inside they have similar thoughts like these. And yet I’m sure they all wish for the best for themselves. Ughh and damn it I try so damn hard at somethings such as Calculus. What the hell is it going to take for me to pass through those courses. I’ve failed now 3 times and it hurts, I still keep my focus and really try, but damn it, it’s never easy to me. So yeah now I’m taking an astounding 20 credits this upcoming semester and it’ll be a full load. Also I’m planning on doing some working design computer infrastructures part time while at school. It’s going to be rough and I’m going to try my best and I guess do what I can. I really need this money right now. Right now I really think I need a vacation, not alone yet with someone special whom we can cherish each other and enjoy it together. I know when my relationship ended with Sarah, it may have been for the better, cuz now I have more time to focus on my career and find my place on this earth. I’m over her don’t think I’m thinking about her like that, we had a wonderful time while it lasted, but its over. It’s like I never really had much luck with the girls and I do wonder if I ever will. I’m scared and a bit insecure, I’ll admit it, but when the “right” one does come along I think all that will definitely change. I am sick and tired tho of all the games and bullshit that girls have put me through and I just want to find the one who will let me be me and love me for who I am. I know I’m not the perfectist person and yeah I know I got some work to do on my body, but damn it, I can only do so much. I’m gonna try to upbeat my workout schedule when we get back to school. I just hope that someone will look at me in love and want to be with me. I believe tho that there is someone out there whom will fulfill me and show me what it truely means to happily love forever. So yeah I guess I just bored the hell out of ya if you’ve already read down to here, but I’ve just been laying here and couldn’t sleep so thought that it would relieve me to write, cuz it always seems to be theraputic to me. I know I got pretty personal with this above, but I really felt like expressing my feelings and I guess those are them, I’m not too sure if they came out like I wanted, but it is what it is I guess. I’m much more relaxed than the way I was earlier, heh, if only you could felt the beat of my heart, it was definitely racing. Ya know my thinking is definitely out there, and many things go through my head in ways I don’t think many if not most people. Dunno if that’s good or bad, but its just me. I know I’m a different breed or just out there, but I’m happy with the kind of person who I am and I guess at the very least I hope I’m respected, thats all. Okay I think it’s time I do get some sleep and getting ready to get back into the real world, cuz even though all these thoughts may seem like I’m thinking to hard I guess welcome to this real world, cuz that’s what it is, it’s harsh. Thank you if you’ve honestly and truthful read all my thoughts, b/c it really does mean a lot to me, a lot more than you think. Know that someone cares to read through all this and not just skim it makes me know that atleast someone truly cares. Thanks again and good nite. I will conquer all my fears and worrys I know I’m strong. Hehe ok you must think I’m crazy, good nite once again, good nite