I know its 2:14am and some odd seconds in the morn when I have an 8am exam, but I’ve thought about this topic here and there over the past week and never really verbalized it, but there’s this thing I know of and have been thinking off…..
So I date this girl way back when, for a couple years and I was probably the most laid back guy and never bothered to stand up much for myself, now yes I know that isn’t the right thing now. That relationship was a huge flop anyways. See it’s not that I didn’t care…there really isn’t much that bothers me. Well anyways I dated this other girl for a year and well here and there I’d get comments about pussy whipped and shit or stuff about needing to be a hard ass to girls sometimes here and there. And yeah I did shit that I would have never done without these ideas in mind. I didn’t exactly like myself, why? well gee b/c I didn’t want this image or that… After thinking about these thoughts and ideas, fuck that. I’m sick of what people really think about me b/c I don’t really care anyways. I’m happy with myself and who I am. I know I’ve made many irreplaceable mistakes in the past and many of them were b/c of the ideas of what people said and me, I’ve always wanted a good, honest, healthy relationship. I dunno if you’ve known me a few years back, but I was probably the most shyest guy you’d ever know. I’ve definitely opened up since. But I did kinda follow what others did, in a sense to fit in and shit. And after my 2 year relationship, I wanted to take it as a learning experience at the least to make it better for my next relationships. Well from what I was told about that relationship, I definitely over did many of my actions in the relationship therefore after. Seriously though there are so many things that I’ve always been worried about….I’ve been called much shit before. And I’d do things to counteract it and all, but it never did get anywhere doing that. I’ve just recently talked to my ex and she mentioned that I was bad at through lil fits about things. Obviously I’d deny it, but when thinking about some of the ways I acted with her….shit I did have the moments….too many of them. I was never like that before…y then? B/c of course I was told this and that about I’m such a easy going guy, I need to be more of a tough ass and blah blah blah. Ya know what? B/C of that shit, I wasn’t the true person I really am. Unfortunately she had to see that and yeah, there ain’t shit I can do about that know. One thing I know though now is that I’m who I am, can’t change that, yeah I’m different, well so is everyone else. I’m gonna just be me and fuck what others say. If I’m happy then why try to change things. Also I’m not gonna try to plan ahead, about actions or how I should act. Shit, one day at a time is just perfect with me. And whom ever I end up with next will be taken just like that. If it works then I’ll be the happiest guy alive. No more putting fronts up and shit trying to be what I’m “supposta” be or anything. I kinda liked the laid back approach to things. I’ll still speak my honest word b/c honesty is the best policy, something I strongly believe in, but I’m not gonna try to act like a hard ass, throw these lil fits, when it was more of an attention thing then the truth. It’s not me…I know that every day now…and things have changed already. Seriously in life you never stop learning, it’s a beautiful thing it is, understanding things and comprehending them. I’m only here to live once, and I’m going to live with not regrets, no worries (Hakuna Matata) and make the best of it! It’s me. I’ve learned a lot and I’ve put a lot together with everything that’s happened. I’m not changing the person I am, just adapting to life through experience and b/c of that it’ll just make me a much better stronger guy.
I don’t really know if any of ya catch what I’m feeling or saying, just typed out what I’ve been thinking about and thas about damn it.
Life is good
(time to sleep before my exam in less than 5.52 hours, buono sera)