Published on September 26, 2004 at 8:49 pm

Whether you’ve felt love or not, please read:
I laced up my new Nike Shox on my feet in my driveway. Motorola cell phone in my left hand and my little no name brand MP3 player in the other. My Hollister nude beach member sleeveless shirt was resting on my shoulders over my body and my waist was held on by a pair of yellow and black Nike running shorts that don’t even belong to me. I looked down at the edge of the drive way the sun was beautiful and everything was still in green. I looked at the clock on my perfectly set phone and read 5:42pm. So picked my head back up and started to walk towards the sidewalk.

I started with a nice paced jog down the end of my street followed up and down the hills of my neighborhood. I was following Springview Avenue and made a turn onto Wyngate, still continuing my slow jog. A girl, a cute girl turned off of another street from a different direction in a regular paced walk. She was only about 10 strides ahead of me, but thats when I slowed down to her pace and just stayed that constant distance behind her. Yes, I did look at her butt, and I looked at her shirt. It read Oakland University and had the Grizzly logo on it. Then my mind grew tangent.

I began to think about the time when I surprised Natalie after class at Oakland. I had driven down from school early in the morning to be with her. I awaited by her car as I seen her makin her way towards me. Her undone hair was moving as she walked and she had her backpack half over her shoulder. I smiled on my face all the way to my heart. I really truely new at that time, I was in love. Of course when she came up she was very surprised and happy at the same time. When she came close and wrapped my arms around her the feeling was so unbelievable you just wish it would never end. Then the suddle taste of her kiss on my half cold lips warmed them up in no time. It was one of those moments you just will never forget. This stranger girl from Oakland continued to walk in front of me and my eyes were a bit watery at the time. I just kept walking. I thought about what it’d be like with another girl, briefly. Looked at the Oakland girl running in front of me. Yes, I did find her very attractive, and I’m sure she could be a very nice girl, but the love and feelings that I hold on so close to my heart makes me think otherwise. So after about a mile the Oakland girl continue her walk but made a turn I wasn’t going to. So I continued on my way south, walking at a faster pace now.

I hit the bike trails just south of 24 mile on dequindre. This is where I began my run. I started slowly and picked up my pace as I started to jog at a decently fast pace. My heart was pounding and the sweat from my forehead dripped down my face and mixed with the tears from my eyes. I had preloaded my MP3 player with 4 CD’s that I knew would make me strong enough to just hold on and go. The Used CD’s first and second and Earshot’s first and second. In that order I was listening to it. The dark screaming and intense vocals of The Used gave me hard motivation as I picked up my speed. My heart was already moving fast and I could feel the pain of not being in shape, but not half the pain I’ve been through the past few days. So I just sucked it up and looked forward as I continued running.

I looked down at the track and seen the 1/4 mile marker on the cement. 1/4 of a mile so far just since I started on the track, about a mile already from my house. So I ran and jogged and walked and ran and jogged and walked. I didn’t want to stop. My heart has been so torn and beaten down lately and I just kept thinking that I was making it stronger with every footstep I took in front of me, both mentally and physically. I’m in love and I’m truely feeling the full affect of it’s hurt. 2 and 3/4 miles on the track just passed and I was onto the 2nd CD of The Used. This CD has been my medicine lately. I’ve been consistently trying to sing the vocals of The Used, hence the reason I’ve lost my voice right now. I passed many people on bikes, rollerblades, and in shoes on the trail. I did notice the sun slowly make its entrance to the end of the sky. It was nearly 5 miles now.

My feet were hurting and my heart and head pounding. There where long periods of time where I didn’t think much at all about Natalie and the love for her, but for those periods of time I did think about her twice as much. By the time I was upto 26 mile and Mound I realize that my aunt and uncle didn’t live that far away. I had set a destination point. I passed many roads including 24 mile, Dequindre, Shelby, 25 mile, Mound, 26 mile, Van Dyke, the expressway, and Jewel. It was much more of a jog than I thought it was and by the time I had hit the expressway the sun was sleeping and the moon lit my way, along with the lights of Meijer and the many other attractions in that area. I just kept running. I didn’t want to stop. I felt strong and unstoppable. My heart was still hurting in more ways than 1 now, but I wasn’t going to stop. I’m still in love, more than I think I’ve ever realized. It was really dark now and my feet were more than just throbbing. I wasn’t going to stop though.

It’s been merely 10 miles now, and I was already onto the 1st Earshot CD. I can barely remember half of the time I was running. Everything was a blur except I just know that I haven’t stopped. I wasn’t to far from my aunt and uncle’s. I came around the corner, I was cold and alone, alone as I’ll ever be when I seen the entrance to their neighborhood. There was light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I could make it, I knew I would meet the destination. I was almost dragging, but I just kept running. I finally made the turn down my aunt and uncle’s street.

A very familar truck past by me, but didn’t pay much attention. I finally made it to their house and my uncle was still outside on his driveway after saying goodbye to my dad. Putting the two together, I had just passed my dad. So I took my sweaty palmed cell phone and speed dialed his. He turned around to pick me up. Awaiting for his arrival I drained two 20oz bottles of fresh ice cold water. My dad picked me up and we began my journey back home. I had a feeling of accomplishment, I smiled a little bit and my dad and I began to talk. What I thought would almost seem to far to run, especially considering I’m not in the greatest of condition, I made it. There was a lot of in between but I made it. And now that I could make it through something like that told me that I could make it through anything. And no matter what I will always love her.


allstarchic says:

all I can say is wow…. that almost brought me to tears… <3

<3 Beth

admin says:

ya know i wrote that i about 20 minutes. I’ve never seen my fingers move so fast. My emotions and feelings just kept pouring out and I really didn’t know what I was typing, then I read it. It makes me watery and I can remember every mondane detail. Love hurts. I really feel it.

Anonymous says:


Anthony, I know your going through so much right now and i know i am not home to be there for you, but i want you to know that even though i am at cmu, im always thinking about you and always here for you!! Your the best and if she doesnt realize it, then its going to be her loss!! It really hurts me to see you in such pain, so i really hope your okay and Im here to talk if you need me. No matter what happens in the future im always by your side to support your decision. Family sticks together through thick and thin… I love you to death and wish you so much happiness 🙂 Miss you lots ~your lil sis, Sienna~

admin says:

Re: Smile

thanks. love ya and miss ya too

hey. i know we don’t ever talk. reading that was something else. i don’t know exactly what it was about it. i can see that your going though something rough right now. the words that you wrote and how you said what you said proves that you are strong. you second to last sentence was amazing! reread that when your having a rough time. best of luck to you!!

admin says:

thanks a lot. there’s been a lot of emotions right now and I’m just doing my best to cope.

happygrl4 says:

wow amazing writing
writing that comes from pure overwhelming emotion is simply astounding….you just portrayed so much emotion that unfortunately quite a lot can relate to in levels
keep you head up, the sun will start shining on you again soon! =]

admin says:

thank you so much. there’s definitely a lot going on right now in my mind and in my heart. I’m keeping strong though, this run was probably one of the best things I could have done.

im assuming this relationship took a wrong turn from this and is permanite?? maybe thats just the best for u! ur in college and ur away in college maybe u need to concentrate on school and stuff and when ur done findsomeone that will make u happy!

we still need to hang out!

admin says:

it’s definiately not permanent, but there really is no knowing would could happen. I only wish for the best for the both of us. In the end I think this will be better, for the both of us, together.

jmatrone says:

I have no idea what your situation is, but I can tell you that I’ve felt your kind of pain before. I was dating this girl back in high school and I found out from one of her friends that she was “cheating” on me. I cried, of course, and then became very angry over the whole situation. I was pretty tore up because here was this person that I had opened up to and shared many private things with and trusted completely and all along they had been abusing that. What hurt the most though was the fact that she obviously didn’t take my feelings or emotions into account before acting like she did. When things like this happen we feel all busted up inside and completely vulnerable to all sorts of negative feelings. I hate the fact that a person could and would do that to somebody. I hope your situation isn’t quite as bad as cheating and I hope that it all works out for the best. I read all your journal entries and I always thought that you and Natalie had quite a strong relationship going there. You had all kinds of fun together and you experienced many exciting things together. It would be a shame for all of that to come to an end. Hopefully the two of you will be able to work through these hard times and reach some common ground. If you still love her and she loves you in return no mountain is too high to climb and no problem is too terrible to overcome. Love is a very powerful thing and just as it can cause pain and suffering remember that it can also repair and rebuild everything that it destroys with a little help from the people involved. Happier times are just around the corner.

admin says:

yes, love is a mutha fucker. I do hope all prevails. Only time will tell. Thanks for your thoughts, I thank you. I’m sorry to hear you had an experience like that. It’s such a cruel world out their and I guess that’s just a part of life that you have to live and learn from. God, does it FUCKING hurt tho.

Anonymous says:

hey man my friend ryan goes to your school

Anonymous says:

it was awesome to see you again!
NEXT TIME…we gotta start hanging out b4 were drunk heh..predrink it up together =)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.