Ok I had to make entry for friends only b/c well if the wrong people seen this it could get ugly. I had date this girl (Sarah) for 2 years and our relationship just came to a screeching halt and for the first time I’m going to share as much as possible what happened. Granted this isn’t everything, but hopefully enough for you to make some conclusions about what happened.
Now I never really worded out what happen when we parted so let me give you some background information about what happen in our relationship so that you’ll understand this convo better. First of we dated for a mere 2 solid years and yeah we did have the occasional problems, but for the most part we both we’re really happy, or so I thought. So this is last February, the day before V-Day to be exact, she went out with her friends and met some guy whom she exchanged numbers with. On V-Day night he calls her to hang out, and sure enough I got upset about it and she got all mad at me b/c she said he was just being friendly. So ok that was kinda the start of the bullshit. Bout a month later she was having some family issues, and since it was St. Patty’s day and all I went out and got her green Kool-Aid, Green M&M’s and a card telling that everything’s going to be alright and that I’m there for her. So I went of her house and held her in my arms all night. At this point I’m thinking that our relationship is strong and mostly happy.
Well the next day rolls around and I called her on my way home from work to talk and she’s like I can’t talk I’m at a hockey game, I’ll call u at 9. So I’m like ok thats fine talk to ya later. So now at home playin around on my computer 10pm rolls around and no call, hmm. She signs online. I IM her, hey thought u were going to call me?, and she returns “I can’t….also I don’t think its working out anymore”, me all confused as hell, she’s breaking up with me online? after 2 years? so I’m like whoa whoa whoa we need to talk!! she’s like I can’t I got homework and signs off. So me all lost calls her up to talk, teary eyed and all and she’s like
“I told you not to call me I”m busy!”
me-“we need to talk I’m so confused!”
her-“stop crying your such a 19year old baby”
me-“i’m so sorry but nothing’s making sense and we need to talk”
so I gave her the benefit of the doubt as hard is it maybe and let her be that nite and called her the next day to talk. she refused and got all pissy and mean and EXTREMELY cold to me. oh man was I so hurt, i’ve never felt so much pain before. So for the next week and a half i periodically tried calling her to talk, and she just kept blowing me off. Keep in mind, she broke it off online, refuse even a phone conversation let alone a confrontation, after 2 fucking years!! Oh and I did find out that she was fooling around with another guy just days after she broke it off. So yeah 2 weeks now and prolly the roughest 2 weeks of my life I finally talked to her on the phone, granted only 20 minutes, but it was better than nothing. And she said comments such as, “there is no such thing as me and you anymore”, “there is no anthony and sarah”, “i don’t love you”, “leave me alone”, and “its over, stop bothering me, forget about me” and from that moment forward I did. As hard is it was to me and my heart I let my feelings for her fade, I mean how could they not after the way she’s treated me?! So a month goes by and she starts calling me asking why I haven’t tried to call her or hang out and I reminded her about what she said, yet she denied it.
UGH THE FUCKING GAMES!! she was playing with my head so much and if u knew me I never ever yell know matter the situation, yet this became the exception and i just blew up at her on the phone then just hung up, you shoulda seen me after i hung up, I was in my apartment room on my bed, fists clamped extremely tight, heart racing a million beats a minute, my head and heart aching, and tears falling down my face. I never expected love to be so harsh. Now its been random but she still tries to get a hold of me to hang out and stuff, but with all the BS and stress she put me through it just isn’t that easy. She never did think she did anything wrong, she did apologize for breaking up, but not for how she did it. To this day she still thinks she never really did anything wrong, even though I tend to disagree, but am I wrong? She left me a few emails about how I’m such a great guy and that I never did anything wrong and how bad she just wants me to be in her life….as friends. It’s just not that easy for me. And after all the things she’s said and done how do I have trust in her? I never really got any closure and so I spent a good amount of time and composed a music video expressing how I felt and what she put me through and potential perseverence. I know I post a link to download the video below, it’s not there anymore, but it is relocated. Click this link here to download the music video I created. So now we’re up to today, I’m obviously much better than those times and my feelings for her have almost completely faded, if not. Now don’t get me wrong I do care for her and I don’t wish for bad things upon her, but I can’t just go and be buddy buddy friends after all the lies and games she played with me and having her think what she is doing is right, when i disagree.
And then 2nite she IM’s me with this convo which I find all BS b/c she told me numerous times she loved me and how she wanted to be with me forever and now she’s telling me that she thought she loved me? so does that mean the past 2 years have been full of lies? I just don’t know what to believe about her anymore. See I don’t want her back at all b/c I could never trust her like I did and if you knew some of the other things I found out about her that I’d rather not say, I just don’t have the respect for her. And yet then she comes to me with this…how was she expecting me to react to it? Ughh she’s full of digust. Ya know I’ve never really ignored or pushed away anyone in my life, its just not in me, but with her I just can’t help it. Now I know this is all being heard from my side and yet I tried to make it somewhat nuetral about what happened. I’m just curious though is it wrong for me to push her away like I am and not wanting to talk or hang out with her? Am I wrong? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m the stubborn one with the problems. I dunno…. anyways here’s the convo we had earlier today, please let me hear what you have to say about this., thanks so ayite so la la la I’m just working on a few websites and stuff and bbbringggg, an instant message pops up from the infamous EX. Here’s the convo:
the EX (8:52:27 PM): i was just reading ur journal and i realized something
SuperSexyNino (8:52:48 PM): yeah………
the EX (8:52:54 PM): there was a major difference between us that made it not work out –
the EX (8:53:16 PM): you were ready to find someone to be with for the rest of your life
SuperSexyNino (8:53:17 PM): whatya mean
the EX (8:53:18 PM): i wasnt
the EX (8:53:44 PM): i was 15 when i met u
SuperSexyNino (8:53:51 PM): hey what the hell do u do with my old license?
the EX (8:54:00 PM): not even thinking about marriage
the EX (8:54:12 PM): and i think the age difference though small made a difference
SuperSexyNino (8:54:16 PM): i wasnt thinkin bout marriage
the EX (8:54:23 PM): u were just started college when i was barely starting high school
SuperSexyNino (8:54:40 PM): ya know how u had my old license?
the EX (8:54:44 PM): yeah
SuperSexyNino (8:54:45 PM): what did u do with it?
the EX (8:54:54 PM): well i gave it to matt najor to get into a club with
the EX (8:54:56 PM): y?
SuperSexyNino (8:55:13 PM): do u know what he may have done with it?
the EX (8:55:18 PM): no whyh
SuperSexyNino (8:55:53 PM): cuz I just got it from “somewhere” they mailed it to me and said someone with a lot of piercings was trying to use this and they took it and mailed it to me
SuperSexyNino (8:56:13 PM): a store
the EX (8:56:45 PM): anyways back to what i was saying before
the EX (8:57:12 PM): thinking about where i am now in my life and where i was when we were dating it is completely different
SuperSexyNino (9:01:54 PM): u haven’t fooled with one guy since we parted?
the EX (9:02:08 PM): no but that was like 7 months ago
the EX (9:02:33 PM): and its not like im giving every single guy i meet head
the EX (9:02:37 PM): or having sex with them
SuperSexyNino (9:03:08 PM): ok fine
the EX (9:03:27 PM): just because u havent doesnt mean im bad
SuperSexyNino (9:03:50 PM): did i say that?
the EX (9:04:03 PM): no im jsut saying i hate what u think of me right now
the EX (9:04:05 PM): i hate it
the EX (9:04:32 PM): what do u think of me anyways?
SuperSexyNino (9:04:33 PM): u have no clue
the EX (9:04:48 PM): i seriousloy dont think bad of u at all
the EX (9:04:56 PM): i think of u the same as when we were going out
SuperSexyNino (9:05:06 PM): pshht yeah i believe that
the EX (9:05:21 PM): y do u say that
SuperSexyNino (9:05:42 PM): cuz if u did then we’d still be dating
the EX (9:06:09 PM): no i dont love u, but i dont think ANYTHING bad of you… if just was not meant to be
the EX (9:06:44 PM): thats why i fucking try so hard to keep u in my life
SuperSexyNino (9:06:51 PM): ok
the EX (9:07:10 PM): because we shared two years of our lives together and i cant just forget about all that time
the EX (9:08:07 PM): i guess i jsut wish things were different
SuperSexyNino (9:08:11 PM): i don’t know what to believe anymore cuz u lie
the EX (9:08:16 PM): how do i lie?
the EX (9:08:20 PM): what r u talking about?
SuperSexyNino (9:09:06 PM): like all the BS u werent looking for someone to be with forever, so what was all that things u told me about u loving me forever and stuff
the EX (9:09:18 PM): i thought i was in love
SuperSexyNino (9:09:19 PM): i don’t care bout it anymore, but just the fact that yur tellin me u were
the EX (9:09:23 PM): i really did
SuperSexyNino (9:09:35 PM): u make no sense
the EX (9:09:36 PM): but i dont know now
the EX (9:10:47 PM): i thought i was in love but i was 16, i didnt know what love was
the EX (9:11:52 PM): i just want u in my life so bad
SuperSexyNino (9:12:07 PM): we’ll see
the EX (9:12:18 PM): if u tell me it’ll never happen i guess ill give up, but im still hoping somehow we can be civil
the EX (9:12:29 PM): im hoping somehow u can be ok with me again
SuperSexyNino (9:12:37 PM): soon enough maybe
the EX (9:12:43 PM): whats that supposed to mean
SuperSexyNino (9:14:23 PM): as hard as it maybe to hear this, i just can’t be buddy buddy friends
SuperSexyNino (9:14:31 PM): but maybe eventually
the EX (9:15:50 PM): well i guess ill b talkin to u whenever then
SuperSexyNino (9:15:59 PM): ok
SuperSexyNino (9:16:01 PM): ciao